maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
