made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
