i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize