Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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