good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
