i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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