Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
