just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
