Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
