She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
