You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
