Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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