rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
