Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize