So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
