Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You ruined the universe
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
