When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
