You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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