Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
