Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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