Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
