There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
