It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We smell like vodka and hangover
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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