apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
