I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
