Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
