dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
