SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
