I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize