Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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