A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You need Xanax blowdarts
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
