My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
