Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
We were destined to go to rehab together
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
