Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We left the knife in your bed.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
