I puked a lego.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
