i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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