she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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