why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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