if i can run in heels then i can drive
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
