Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
