I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
