Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
