Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I touched a dick in church today
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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