Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
