i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
