You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
