Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My ATM looks so different sober.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
