I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
