Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The adults are the big ones right?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
