The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
