Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
