dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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