her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
