People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
