she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
