If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
