I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
